The bells are ringing in the near future, a sound soft but beautiful, echoing through my mind. I can hear it now, as I type 50 days away from the day. The one day that I wear all white, and walk down the aisle with my head held high and my stomach full of fluttering butterflies. The day that he meets me, smile on his face in his tux and bow tie, standing at the end of the aisle. We are so close but so far away from a life changing event that will bind us and our families even closer than we already are.  So what am I doing to prepare? What is going on through my mind? What things are we keeping traditional and what are some new things we are adding in? These are some questions that I’ve been asked these past few weeks and I am ready to share with you all my wedding preparedness and panic.

       The biggest thing that worried me after getting engaged was the traditional family of the bride moments. I wasn’t raised in a traditional family, nor do I have traditional parents. My oldest brother (22 age gap between us)  has raised me since I was eight, and I am so grateful towards him and wouldn’t have it any other way. Although, there is still a slither of me that wishes for a bit of parental normalcy. A committed father who could walk me down the aisle, a mother who could pin my dress back and kiss me on the cheek. As much as I wish for parental normalcy, I wouldn’t change my “parental units” for anything. My brother and his fiance are extremely supportive in my upcoming marriage, although my brother has some hesitancy stepping into the “father of the bride role.”

I made the decision to ask my brother to walk me down the aisle,  which unexpectedly he declined. He doesn’t want a rift to form between him and our father, so he doesn’t want to take the spot that is meant for dad, which I completely understand. But that left me in such a dizzy haze of “who is gonna walk me down the aisle?” “Can I walk myself?” “What about my fiance’s dad or grandpa? Can they walk me?” My mind changes back in forth, and I haven’t made a final decision, I haven’t been comfortable in thinking of this decision. I’m not sure what I want?.  Less than 50 days away from the wedding and I haven’t even told my father he isn’t walking me down the aisle, I’m so nervous that he will cause a whole scene. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but at the same time, I can’t allow myself to let him walk me down the aisle. Thinking about walking down the aisle, I don’t see anyone with me in my head. I see me, alone, confident and proud of who I am. Can I give myself away? Is that an option, what would everyone else think? Would I be disappointing absolutely everyone? I know I need to make a decision and fast, but I plan to take my time and truly choose what my heart wants.

The last really big thing that worried me about planning a wedding is the tradition father daughter dance. I couldn’t ask my brother, it would put him in the same position as walking me down the aisle. I thought about doing it with a member of my Fiance’s family because they are truly amazing and have supported me in every way since Kc and I got together. Ultimately, I decided to change things up a bit. So, instead of doing a father daughter dance, something very special is going to replace that moment. What exactly is that? Well I guess you’ll have to wait till the official after wedding blog!